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Patented Man-Maker Moustache Training Kit

Patented Man-Maker Moustache Training Kit

I present to you Dr. A.S.Sgländ’s Patented “Man-Maker” Moustache Training Kit, a custom faux antique created for the Movember 2012 MoBall‘s (Facebook event link) art auction at THEMUSEUM in downtown Kitchener, November 29th. If you’d like to see it in person and place a bid go to the MoBall!

Imagine that you are a Victorian or Edwardian gentleman who just doesn’t get the respect you deserve because your fear of facial hair prevents you from growing your own hufflebocker. This art piece imagines a snake-oil salesman’s solution—a moustache training kit. For your enjoyment, here’s the full text from the piece:


Dr. A.S.S.Sgländ’s Patented “Man-Maker” Moustache Training Kit

Guaranteed to eliminate fear of facial hair & give any man the confidence to grow a hufflebocker of Herculean reknown in only one month or I’ll shave him myself! —Dr. A.S.S.Sgländ



Begin by selecting the super-erogatory moustache stimulus that most closely matches the gist of the man you want to be when you grow your own moustache. The Brobdingnagian stature of the stimulus moustache will create a strong positive impression in your mind— one that simply cannot be matched by any mere natural moustache— that will scientifically speed your psychological transformation into a man of confidence.

Stand in front of a looking-glass(not supplied) and practice holding the prosthetic moustache in front of your face at least three times a day while imagining that you are the envy of every gentleman at the club. Speak encouraging words aloud to heighten the reality of your experience:

“I say, what a dashing moustache, sir!”

“Let me fondle your manly hufflebocker and I’ll show you an ankle m’lord.”

“Great Scott man! There appears to be a ferret chewing on your lip!”

Moustache selection:

  • Runcible Bobby
  • Dastardly Villain
  • Adventurer
  • Country Squire
  • Le Continental
  • La Sanchez


Don’t be a Milquetoast, Be a Man.

  • Are you tired of being a milquetoast?
  • Do you ever wonder why ladies only show their ankles to other men?
  • Is your fear of facial hair preventing you from getting the respect you deserve from your servants and your peers?

Fret no more friend, Dr. A.S.Sgländ’s Patented “Man-Maker” Moustache Training Kit is the guaranteed solution to your pernicious piliatory complaints.

Designed using the new science of psychology, the super-erogatory stimuli contained within this apothecary case are the only guaranteed solution that can scientifically eliminate fear of facial hair.

By Appointment to his Manjesty, King of Sweden

Celebrated Secret of Strongmen, Generals, Dandies, Adventurers & European Royalty!

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 27th, 2012 at 2:44 pm and is filed under Non-Series, Paintings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.